Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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