I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
