Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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