You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
