This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
