And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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