I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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