need another drink. this is the easiest way
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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