You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
