you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
