my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
