he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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