somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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