Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
