just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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