listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
