for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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