Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
