Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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