so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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