What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
