We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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