how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
