Say something about gay babies.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
