i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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