Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
