Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
