I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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