OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
