so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
