i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
