"it" just moved
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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