So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
