im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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