I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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