A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
