Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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