Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
