4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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