I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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