I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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