my phone needs a breathalizer
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
