She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
