I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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