No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i drank out of a bidet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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