I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
