We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
