I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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