U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think I won the penis lottery.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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