The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
