How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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