If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
